Gag Me With a Gift

T'is the season to be corny. Time for that requisite break from faith, family, and unbridled materialism, the gag gift party. It could be an office party, or hosted by a client or friend. The bottom line is, you have to bring something gift-wrapped on the outside and goofy on the inside.

One time, I got literal about the gag part. I thought of things that trigger my gag reflex and considered assembling a gift basket of marmite, pickled herring, pork rinds, red hots, and gefilte fish. Then I had a more cost-effective idea. I went to a medical supply store and bought a box of tongue depressors, timeless gag-inducing tools for medical science. Come party time, I had to explain the concept when the hapless recipient randomly picked my present from the gift pile. The laughter was polite but subdued. We copywriters can be too smart for our own good.

Occasionally, you get lucky. I found a multicolored feather boa at a thrift store and stuffed it in a  kleenex box. It went to a gay gentleman who performs and sings in drag – total chance pick on his part– and it was great watching him pull loops of rainbow feathers out like tissues.

There are many ways the gag gift thing can go awry. Like when the majority of folks take the high road and get something nice and you bring the Jefferson Beauregard Sessions Elf on the Shelf. I hate it when that happens. Sometimes, you have to pause and recognize genius. I just went to a party where a guy gift wrapped his Family Size detergent and then picked his own gift.

Anyway, I think from now on I will take the high road. As with everything in life, the high road has a downside. You could be the stiff at a party where people bring glitter condoms, edible underwear, and Donald Trump butt plugs. (I have never been to such a party but it could happen).  But all in all, the high road is safe. Don't go for too safe, though. Get quirky. I am giving ceramic garlic bakers plus a whole head of garlic which I will wrap in scads of tissue paper.

Maybe I'll put a poem on the card:
You'll never have a better spread
Than roasted garlic on your bread.
May your holidays be aromatic and rich in love.
Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, Peace, Love, and Harmony.
That would be corny. Then again, 'tis the season.